Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
