I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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