For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
