You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
