i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
