what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
