I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Oh god it's open bar.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
