how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
