yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
