Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Randomize
