Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
