wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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