You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
