Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
