The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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