I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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