I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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