I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
