i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
