if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Randomize
