Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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