I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
