Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
