I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
