so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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