If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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