Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
