everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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