and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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