She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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