Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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