He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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