I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
