dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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