I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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