I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
