he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
