New low: just hacked my moms facebook
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
