I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Randomize
