its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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