Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
They have beer where we have blood.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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