I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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