Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
