i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
