Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
