I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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