I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
