Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
