Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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