Swine flu. Run for my life!
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
